top of page

War of the Coasts

There’s a war going on in this country. The two camps are fierce in their opposition, openly displaying hostility whenever they encounter each other— usually in the produce section at Whole Foods. I’m talking about a war of wealthy women from both coasts.

As you may recall, back in the 1990s, there was a rap music war; east coast rappers like The Notorious B.I.G. (Biggie Smalls) fighting with west coast rappers like Tupac and Puff Daddy. Over what, I’m not really sure, but I love how the toughest guys around, from rappers to mobsters, have such cute nicknames. Famous rappers: Ice Cube, Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg. Famous mobsters: Baby Face Nelson, Bugsy, Tony Bananas. Anyway, the rap war culminated in two shootings; one in Las Vegas, where Tupac died at the age of twenty-five, the other in Los Angeles where Biggie Smalls was killed. And the mob war casualties are too numerous to mention. Hopefully, in this new age coastal war, there will be no gunfire in Willits.

The wealthy women visiting our valley from both coasts are scary as gangsters (they even have the cutesy nicknames: Pepper, Mitsy and Boo.) Now, I know what you’re thinking, all those women standing in the aisles of Whole Foods in their stretch pants and dyed hair look the same! How can a layman tell the difference? Well, there is a trick:

The easiest way to tell which coast you are dealing with is to study the faces of these women. West coast women have huge lips and they want you to look at them (so much so, that they will actually drive their carts into your legs in order to make contact.) Whereas the east coasters will never make eye contact. No matter what. Believe me, I’ve tried; even doing a little jig, they will not look up. -Darwood

Yet, these women can agree on one thing, they are all drawn to the Roaring Fork Valley. I think it has a lot to do with the locals. Blue bloods are generally attracted to the working class because of our zest for life (you have to work every day in order to appreciate having a day off; otherwise the days just kinda run together, “What is a weekend?” –Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham) and bone structure. The working class tends to not inbreed as much, whereas, the British royal family had almost bred out the existence of their chins until Prince William married into some new DNA. It’s ironic, but being brought up in poverty allows for more freedom when it’s time to choose a mate. There’s something to be said for following one’s heart and choosing love without worrying about the money. There is beauty in trust.

In love and war, I think, our perception is completely flipped; whoever is perceived as the underdog actually has more inner strength because the insecure one usually goes to violence (domination) first. (Example: see history of oppression in our world.) Whether dealing with gangsters or wealthy women, I’d wager the animosity stems from insecurity, because if they were secure in their own lives, they wouldn’t spend their precious time gunning others down, but rather looking for new opportunities for joy.

I mean, why all the hostility? And while on vacation? Aren’t we predisposed to inclusion, and to learn as much as we can about each other before deciding whether or not we’re with ‘our peeps’? Maybe it has something to do with the way we pack ourselves in like sardines that we don’t embrace each new stranger as a potential ally. It’s harder to be open and gracious when living cheek-by-jowl in a concrete jungle of shops and townhomes. (Another attraction of the Roaring Fork Valley— our wide open spaces; although it’s harder and harder to find empty land without Private Property signs posted everywhere…)

These women from opposite coasts, with different styles and attitudes and attire, (all-black leggings from the east, animal-print from the west) if they stopped to talk to each other, would probably find more similarity than contrast. And who knows, if they focused on the similarities, they might even take a little inner peace with them when they go back to their coast.

  • Facebook Basic Black
  • Twitter Basic Black
  • Google+ Basic Black
bottom of page